I’m sorry I abandoned you because everything got too hectic and I put you in the back seat. You see when life takes over, it is easy to get tunnel vision and completely ignore the things that matter to you because they seem insignificant in the moment.
It is easy to convince yourself that working and what the world deems important is THE most important thing as you are seeing results and gratifications in terms of good degree, good job, more dwollars etc It is in the very moment, the hustle and bustle, you realise the “insignificant things” are what drives you. Life will always happen and work/progression would always be there so I will make time to do what warms my heart and nourishes my soul - you. Let’s be honest, you don’t really give me any reason to be faithful to you - I am the only one that realises when I am faithful to you and when I am not. Surely, this should drive me and push me towards you as there is literally no expectation but it doesn’t...and maybe that’s the problem. No expectation = No goals = Not a priority You see we are very goal oriented. So things that aren’t goals are placed in the back burner of our minds. Unfair, I know but this is how we survive because life is constantly trying to kill us! (We'll get into that some other time, don't worry) However, I am beginning to see that you deserve not just a seat at the table but the front seat and all the attention baby. Life pressures can wait. This is my way of saying you will now be a priority in my life alongside work. How that would actually work, I’m not too sure but I’m willing to give it a go and try it out because you are worth it x From, An overachiever that wants more and all round confused/anxious babe
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Hello, future me.
I have no idea why I feel I need to be extremely polite and cautious when addressing you but hey. I want to be excited for you but I don’t know how to be I don’t know how I currently manage to be positive and happy and that terrifies me because I have no idea how to make sure you’re super happy and positive :( It’s difficult because we’ve been through a whole fucking lot so it’s kind of like which way are we headed? Is life gonna surprise us once again and turn everything upside down because we know how much it loves doing that. Just when we start to get comfortable and figure things out it’s like “sike, bitch you really thought. So I don’t know how to feel about you…. It’s difficult because I know I can easily slip into a downwards spiral and that would be bad for you but I don’t know how to be certain not to? I want you to be happy and I see you being happy but I don’t know how I can ensure you are. Am I overthinking because it seems too good to be true right now? Definitely. Maybe I just need to accept I’m a happy person now and I have the tools to deal with whatever happens and I won’t be derailed. I mean April was a shitshow and I managed it, I even sometimes forget that it happened so maybe you’ll be fine? It’s just a lot of pressure right now to make sure you’re okay because we’ve been through a lot and have worked extremely hard to get here. Anyway you’re probably thinking I’m so dumb right now because you have all the answers and I’m just stressing out for no reason. So I‘ll just wait for you to come to me with all the answers. :) Love you baby girl and hope I look like a total fool because I was stressing out for no damn reason My sweet sweet baby
I wish I could tell you the next year of your life would be the happiest year so far. Even if I could’ve I’m sure you wouldn’t have believed me because we’re such pessimists lol I’m sorry you felt you the only way to make it through life is to numb all your feelings and be mediocre. You hated it every step of the way because we are not mediocre and not to sound rude or anything but we’re just not built that way. I know you were merely just existing, nothing mattered and everything seemed so bleak You had just had the worst year of your life (sorry nothing can top 2017’s sadness) and figured the solution was just to exist so you wouldn’t be invested and then get hurt I know you made no effort and zero memories this year because you felt there was none to be made but baby girl I’m happy to announce to you that 2019 is filled with memories. I legit feel so grateful when I can stay at home during the weekend and just relax! We’ve built up some great and solid friendships this year and honestly, I fucking live for the (semi) carefree thing I’ve got going right now. But thanks for making an effort with your birthday even though you felt it was a facade and essentially forced yourself to have one. I appreciate the effort you put into it, you’re a real one. Thank you for seeking help when you felt there was absolutely no need to exist anymore because if you didn’t I would not be here right now and we wouldn’t have experienced 2019 the way we did. You don’t know it yet (obviously lol I’m from the future) but it made all the difference. :) We’re confident about our life now and, wait for it, actually planning for the future (you know how much happiness this brings us) and yeah it’s lit ! The strongest bitch I know!
I love you so much and I’m so thankful to you for making it through! I still can’t believe how you handled everything with such grace, confidence and courage (sometimes you were a total bitch but overall you were alright lol) It still blows my mind 2 years on and it forever will Thank you for being so strong and just doing life You definitely came to terms that life wouldn’t be as linear as it had been previously and accepted your journey would be treacherous (kinda wish you didn’t because we actually don’t settle on this God’s green earth but rather this than you dying so I forgive you babes) I know you cried more than you smiled and I’m sorry for that. Everyday was a whole ass struggle and life really looked like a punishment. You really tried to fix where 2016 went wrong and it broke you but you pretended like it was all fine but you didn’t have to do this - now we know we don’t have to mask our feelings to make people feel comfortable. Sorry you felt no one cared about you and you didn’t matter. Sorry you were in such a bad place that you felt your only option was to isolate yourself from everyone and not talk to anybody for months on end so they wouldn’t really miss you when you were eventually dead. I’m sorry to all my friends that had to deal with this and to everyone that genuinely cared x We’re still not the best at replying to people but I’m working on it, okay! #2020Resulution Despite everything you still decided to retake exams because you felt that it “didn’t truly represent the person you are” (this was really some next level shit that only you would think about whilst your life is literally falling apart and you’re deffo crazy for this because you really didn’t have to) I don’t know how you actually did so well right after the worst experience of your life but you did and this is why you’re the baddest motherfucker ever and I’ll always respect you, bitch! Hey girl!
Isn’t it funny how you never saw your life past 18 and once you turned 18 life decided to show you all the ways it can be unfair? I’m glad I can (sort of) laugh about this now but yo I know you don’t think it’s cool. I’m sorry life became difficult just as you started to become your own person. Sorry you had to deal with life’s bullshit at what started to be the most explorative part of your life. I’m sorry your should’ve beens became could’ve beens Dealing with the two parallels of extreme happiness and sadness in such a short space of time wasn’t something you expected in a million years but you really did handle it in the best way you could have You really did try. Thank you for holding on to you even when it was tough. Thanks for not losing all of yourself despite everything. I know it was confusing and heartbreaking and you tried incredibly hard to hold on to everything that defined you and not give up on the person you were building but obviously life other plans lmao I know it was difficult to detach yourself from what you thought was your ideal situation just when it was within your reach. You had to let it go but baby girl your ideals are still valid! Hell they’ve been upgraded now (if you can possibly believe that haha) I know you were hurt because people you trusted betrayed you in different ways and you thought you lost them forever but I can reveal you didn’t ! You’re back to being on good terms with one of them now - super amazing wholesome fulfilling relationship. The verdict is still out on the other one lool Btw we address problems as they happen now so you don’t hold on to this feeling and it works wonders I tell you. |
About meHello, I'm Ayo and welcome to my soon to be exciting world! Join me as I go through life's ups and downs which leads to me learning more about life and myself. Archives
December 2020
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